11 Huge Signs That You're Dealing With a Passive-Aggressive Person

At times, many individuals exhibit passive-aggressive behavior, such as making sarcastic comments or giving someone the cold shoulder.

However, some passive-aggressive actions are not so obvious, and it can be difficult to determine if you are dealing with a passive-aggressive individual.

To be passive-aggressive means that you act in a manner that is mild to moderately aggressive, yet in a passive way. Someone who is passive-aggressive may come across as all wonderful on the surface, but underneath there's some harder tendencies going on.

You may not be able to put your finger on it, but you just know something is going on under the surface.

It will be helpful to your relationships to know if you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive person.

11 Signs That You are Dealing With a Passive-Aggressive Person

1. Saying Yes When You Mean No.

A very common passive-aggressive tactic, especially in relationships, is saying “yes” when you actually mean “no”.

If your partner consistently tells you “yes” when it comes to doing things, but actually never really follows through, this is a sign of passive-aggressiveness. They say “yes” because they don't want to get into conflict with you, but they actually mean “no”.

2. Giving the Silent Treatment.

Passive-aggressive people tend to give the silent treatment when things do not go their way or they are upset about something.

They withhold intimacy, and may even be sarcastic or simply unattached emotionally. They use the silent treatment as a weapon, in an attempt to punish and let you know that you've done something wrong or displeasing to them. 

3. Resentment.

Have you ever asked your partner if they were all right and the answer was “I'm fine,” yet you knew by the tone of their voice that they were not really fine?

Or maybe there is this lingering negative attitude that comes with a dissatisfactory tone of voice. These are signs of passive-aggressive behavior. A person does not want to come right out and say what is bothering them. Rather, the anger and resentment comes out in snide remarks.

4. Using Delay Tactics.

Let's say that you and your partner have discussed the responsibility of certain chores around the house.

Maybe they use delay tactics around their expected chores quite often because they think if they delay long enough that maybe you'll do them and stop expecting so much of them. A passive-aggressive person will procrastinate, use excuses, and use delay tactics in an attempt to remain in power. 

5. Playing a Helpless Role.

A common characteristic in passive-aggressive behavior is when someone continually says, “I can't” when asked to do something.

They may not want to take on a new responsibility, so they get into this helpless mode acting like they just can't take on anything new or make excuses to get out of it. 

6. Using Sarcasm.

A passive-aggressive person will use sarcasm to try to keep the upper hand on you.

Using sarcasm, oftentimes hidden behind humor, is an attempt to possibly hurt your feelings or get them out of doing something that they don't want to do. If they are confronted about it, oftentimes they state that they were just kidding.

7. Pushing Your Buttons.

Passive-aggressive people like to push other people's buttons.

Chances are, they know exactly what buttons to push. For example, a man may not clean up his mess in the bathroom because he knows that this will cause his wife to become upset. Or she may not call home to say that she is running late, as she knows her husband will freak out.

By using tactics to push another person's button, the passive-aggressive person is essentially acting out some internal frustration, resentment, aggression or apathy.

8. Projecting.

A passive-aggressive person will blame others for their own happiness.

Instead of pointing the finger at themselves, they will consistently point their fingers at their partner, friends, boss, and society for their lack of achievements or unhappiness. 

9. Play the Victim.

A passive-aggressive person may play the victim or martyr in order to get their needs met.

This is especially true if they're with someone who is quite nurturing and giving. They may take advantage of that generosity, exaggerating their issues to try to get favor or sympathy. They essentially use the other person's goodness to get what they want. 

10. “I hate you. Don’t leave me.”

A passive-aggressive person is likely to fear being abandoned, but also fear deep closeness or intimacy.

When they are feeling fearful of being alone, they will draw you in, but when they have you close, that will prompt fears of engulfment or confinement, and they’ll push you away. It can become very confusing.

  11. Sulking.

Ever been with someone who sulks when they don’t get their own way?

A passive-aggressive person will oftentimes sulk in an attempt to get what they want. They withdraw and put on that gloomy face in the hopes that you will feel bad for them and give them whatever it is they are wanting.

Do You Have a Passive-Aggressive Person in Your Life?

• Do you see some of these characteristics in people you hang out with?
• Do you recognize any in yourself?

If you feel as if you are in a relationship or dealing with a passive-aggressive person, there are some proactive strategies you can use in order to handle their behaviors.

You can learn effective boundary setting skills, communication skills, and conflict resolution skills that will help you in your relationships.

Dealing with a passive-aggressive person may not always be easy, but it is possible to learn how to be proactive instead of reactive in dealing with their behaviors.

Helpful Resources

There are some great books and resources out there as well that will help you learn the skills that you can use to have healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Here are two to get you started:

Overcoming Passive-Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career, and Happiness by Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin

The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces by Nicholas James Long and Jody E. Long

Photo by Vera Arsic