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Traumatic bonding can be confusing, especially for the abused.
One second, the person is love-bombing you; the next, they’re physically or emotionally abusive. And this can appear in multiple and even subtle ways.
Interestingly, individuals who were abused in childhood are more likely to be drawn to traumatic bonding. It’s familiar to them, making it an easy option.
But this doesn’t mean you’re stuck.
In fact, there are so many ways you can get over and break through a trauma bond, which is exactly what this article is all about.
Put simply: It’s addictive.
The cycle of abuse includes a flood of feel-good hormones when things are great, which can trick the best of us into believing the relationship or friendship can work.
The interactions during the “good times” give us that hit of dopamine. In other words, we feel good, so we think the relationship can’t be that bad. Another way to see it: Your hormones have been hijacked. So, how can you get through it?
Luckily, you can break free. It’s entirely within your power (You got this!).
If you need it, consider seeking professional help as you navigate this time, or consider doing so afterward.
So, without further delay, here’s how you can break free.
It might feel deceptive to be keeping track of the actions of a partner or friend, but in this case, it’s important. You need to prove to yourself that there is a cycle happening that isn’t healthy.
Writing things down can help you notice patterns that maybe you hadn’t before or had talked yourself out of.
It can also help you pinpoint abusive behavior, despite the good times.
It’s likely those closest to you have noticed changes.
Seeking an outside perspective outside of the trauma bond can offer comfort and insight outside of the walls of your relationship. But make sure you confide in someone you can trust.
Talking with someone else can help guide your decision and thoughts, as well as bring any written records together with something someone else is seeing.
Yes, this will be very hard, but it’s necessary.
As soon as you realize you’re caught up in a cycle of abuse, you need to end it by removing yourself from the situation. We can’t be half-in and half-out; this only leaves us open to further abuse and manipulation.
Once you make this decision, formulate a plan.
Additionally, using resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.7233 can help you ensure you’re doing everything safely. It may also help to develop a code word with friends and family to prompt them to call emergency services if needed.
Along with a new phone number, it’s a good idea to start over with social accounts and more, clearing the abuser out of your life.
It can be hard to navigate your feelings alone.
Once the dust has settled, consider talking with someone. Healing from emotional trauma and abuse can be a long road, but it can be helped along with the right therapist or counselor.
In therapy, you’ll also learn coping mechanisms and discover why the bond happened in the first place and how you can avoid it in the future.
So, how do you know when it’s over?
The truth is you might not even notice when the bond fully disappears. Yet, a few signs include:
It can be difficult to watch someone you love go through a traumatic bonding relationship or experience. So, what can you do?
Here are a few ideas.
Most importantly, let them know you care. Educate yourself on trauma bonding and aim to find ways to support your friend or loved one. At the end of the day, we can’t break the bond for them as much as we would like to.
Ernest Hemingway once said,
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
Don’t forget how special you are! And if you can’t be yourself authentically and in all your glory, maybe this relationship isn’t for you (And that’s okay!).
And remember, healing takes time.
There is no rush. We all go at our own pace. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you heal and take back control of your life.
Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash
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